We call each other “brother” and “sister” every Sunday, but that doesn’t mean we don’t become a little disgruntled with someone in our Mormon ward family from time to time. The book has already been written on winning friends and influencing people. Let our 20 tips warn you against losing friends and making enemies in your LDS congregation.
1. Bring a tray of delicious treats to share with the class you teach — on fast Sunday.
Make sure the aroma of your baked goods permeates the room of hungry saints.
2. Wear pants to church.
3. Throw in a little mild profanity when you offer a comment in Sunday school.
4. Bring an ultra-healthy dish to a ward potluck.
Don’t even consider using Jell-O, a boxed cake mix or anything that comes in a can.
5. Introduce yourself as a Democrat.
6. Ask your ward acquaintances all the inappropriate questions they dodge every Sunday.
To the childless couple: “When will you two be starting your family?” To the middle-age single man: “How’s your love life? Been on any dates lately?” To the 19-year-old boy: “Working on your mission papers?” And to the woman carrying a little extra weight around her middle: “When are you due?”
7. Drop your kids off at Primary so you can make a Diet Coke run.
Good thing Maverick is just down the street!
8. Arrive early to church and stake your claim on another family’s “official” pew.
9. Drop by your home teaching family’s home — unannounced — on the last day of the month.
Stay extra long to let them know you’re really in tune with their needs.
10. Clap with gusto after musical performances in sacrament meeting.
11. Use the foyer during sacrament meeting as your designated place to dish ward gossip with your friends.
Be sure to speak at full volume — some people might appear to be listening to the speakers, but they’re surely more interested in your conversation.
12. Let your toddler pick through all the pieces of bread on the sacrament tray until he finds the biggest one.
Germs don’t count if the bread has been blessed.
13. When you pull out your cell phone to “follow along with the lesson,” don’t bother putting it on silent.
No one really minds the “ding” each time you receive a text.
14. Dole out parenting advice without restraint.
Your kids are perfect, right?
15. Use testimony meeting as an opportunity to divulge your biggest sins and share your most personal stories.
The more tears, the better.
16. Make every attempt possible to recruit ward members to join your business venture.
Get involved in as many inter-ward business relationships as you can.
17. Stand up to sing the rest hymn in sacrament meeting, even if no one else does.
18. When moving, don’t pack your things before the Elders Quorum volunteers arrive to move your possessions.
They’ll be glad to take the extra time to carefully wrap your knick-knacks, pack them neatly in boxes, and then load them onto the truck.
19. Turn off the building’s wireless router.
It will ensure everyone will pay full attention to the sacrament meeting talks, right?
20. When packing your sacrament meeting entertainment bag, make sure you include a number of large, noisy, distracting toys.
We recommend Nerf guns, firetrucks with sirens and flashing lights, and dolls that talk to keep your children occupied .
When you move from Utah to “the mission field” be sure to give advice and tell everyone they are doing things wrong or “could be doing them better.”
Calling outside of utah, the mission field
When you move to Utah from anywhere else tell ward members how much more spiritual the members are in the mission field.
You can also lose friends by ever, at any point, usising the term “mission field” to someone who lives outside UT. Because, guys, my brother went on a mission to UT. My Niece is currently serving there. Last I checked, you guys are a mission field too.
When you move to Utah from anywhere else, remind the saints that they are all “jack” mormons- that they aren’t as spiritual as those outside of Utah. That’s what I was told before I moved to Utah.
Also for single people of any age, especially young women and especially after 22ish, ask them who they’re dating.
Sorry Edna! My first comment was sort of the same.
This article came off as meanness, masquerading as humor. And to me, it tells me more about the author than any negative experience she’s had in church.
As the “slender” sister, point out during a Relief Society talk, that while not ALL sins have outward signs, some, like gluttony do.
When you move to Utah from anywhere else, point out all the differences between “Utah Mormons”, and how they were better in the state you moved from. Oh, and do use the term “Utah Mormon” frequently.
While on the mainland, whenever you speak or bear testimony in church, say “Aloha” very loudly and insist that the congregation respond. If they do not respond, say it again louder.
Having and sharing any opinion that doesn’t follow the ways of the Mormon church. Be the only inactive family on your block, because then you don’t exist and their kids aren’t allowed to play with yours
Worst offender in my ward was the woman who advocated eugenics and forced sterilization to the parents of children with Down’s syndrome, Tourette’s, ADHD, who were bi-racial, or who were into punk culture/fashion. First time I overheard her doing this, I choked. So did everyone else in the foyer. Small children backed away and clutched their parents’ legs. I’m forced to conclude that there is literally no faster way to make enemies.
After that, came the woman who kept demanding to know why I wasn’t pregnant yet while my husband was deployed with the Army. Explaining that I hadn’t seen him in months and wouldn’t see him for several more was apparently “no excuse for not even trying!” It did make the little old ladies in the back row blush scarlet and giggle like mad when I finally came up with a good reply. I was amazed at how quickly a pretty dirty one-liner response made the rest of relief society love me.
Heather, this is incredible. Amazing what some people think is OK. Fortunately, experiences like that are more the exception than the rule. Would’ve loved to have been present for your Relief Society one-liner!
Well Heather, you can’t tell us all that and not say what your reply was! Now I’m dying to know.
Maybe the one-liner she used was, “I can’t get pregnant diddling Miss Daisy.”
We were a military family and glad to be with any members of the Church no matter where we were. Mormons are the best people in the whole world. We are brothers and sisters and I treated everyone that way.
This article is not quite as funny as it was meant to be, but I guess you can say the same thing about Utah mormons.
I feel that being more talerant of each other is the key!!! If I am open to being offended, I will find it! Being open to loveing each other is a better option!!!
I thought this was hilarious!
I’ve made some funnies I’d like to send you Ashley, would you like you email me so I can send them to you to see if you’re interested in posting them?
i admit to #18 once. In my defense, I was pregnant with a 2 year old and a 4 years old and my husband had just been laid off. My brain was utterly fried. The elders quorum was wonderful about it (we were living in Alabama) and in the 7 moves through 4 other states, it has never happened since. But I am still embarassed thinking about it. (23 years ago!)
….Another awesome way to make enemies would be by sharing this ugly, judgmental, not funny article. Totally offended by the stereotypical Mormon judgment and close mindedness. Nothing funny about this article, unless you think it’s hysterical to alienate people.
This is pretty lame. Who really cares about this trivial crap?? I agree with Carl.
But, it is 85% true.
OK, Molly Mormon
Hahaha! I’m so guilty of #7, except my sin of choice is Diet Dr. Pepper. Luckily the Maverick is just down the hill from the church, so it’s a quick jaunt over.
The thing is there are far more people who believe in this list, are offended by the stereotypes and alienate themselves while feeling self-righteous than there are folks who actually behave as the list suggests. Yes there are some people who are hypocrites in LDS wards, but they’re not the norm nor even that common except in the minds of counterculture Mormons trying to justify their own inactivity or their issues with church doctrine.
Loved this article. So funny.
The people saying “This isn’t funny” must have seen themselves in one or more items on this list. The truth hurts, I guess.
Very funny and a lot of them are spot on. Some Mormons need to lighten up a little. The people offended by the article could probably produce lists that offend them a lot longer than this one
Not sure what to think about any of the coments above. Honestly, I am done!
When I first became a Mormon (I’m 35 years old and have been a member for one year). I brought treats for my class on the 1st Sunday, wore pants (I was told things like “you will feel the spirit more if you wear a skirt”). I wasn’t trying to be rude, or disrespectful, I was NEW, and didn’t know there were guidelines to getting to know my Heavenly Father. I think this article is pretty spot on. The super preachy mormons I know, would totally judge you and talk about you if you do these things. Sad….because it goes against everything taught in the church….